Posted by: alphafemme | January 3, 2010

love, meds, and femme-ininity: 2009 in review (and some ideas for 2010!)

I’m a few days late (hello 2010!), but, well, as they say: better late than never.

(Funny aside: when I was visiting visiting my family for Christmas, my brother and sister and I one day decided somehow (don’t remember why) that we would talk to each other only in cliches, idioms, and proverbs. Easier said than done! Ha. Ha. But certainly provided some entertainment.)

Anyway. I’m not usually a fan of reviews and resolutions, but I figure I’ll do one this year because (1) this has been quite an eventful year for me, and some of it’s made it on my blog and some of it hasn’t, so this will be a good way for y’all to come up to speed on my life where it’s at (Cliff notes, if you will), and (2) I’m hoping that 2010 will also be eventful and transforming for me, and so I’d like to make note of some of the changes that I’d like to see. Not so much resolutions as goals.

So, in 2009, I:

– fell in love with mi’lady. We started dating in November of 2008, but I definitely consider the falling in love part to have happened in 2009. It’s been my best relationship yet, without a doubt, and the sex has been the best sex I’ve had too. With her I feel safe to be my best and also sometimes (unfortunately) my worst, with the confidence that we’ll come out on top. With her I can communicate better than I’ve ever been able to communicate, and she inspires and motivates me to be the best person and lover I can be. There are ups and downs, of course, as there always are in any relationship, but I am deeply content and very, very excited about what’s to come for us this year.

– moved out of my former flat in the Outer Sunset in San Francisco, where I was living with a friend from college (a rocky situation at its worst, but absolutely lovely at its best), when she left SF to go to medical school in July. I moved into a tiny flat in the Mission with a wonderful roommate who has become one of my best friends here. Living with roommates I think can be very tricky, and our roommate relationship has its sources of tension and frustration, but we communicate through them pretty well, and I feel very lucky to be here.

– started taking anti-depressants for my PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoria disorder), which was diagnosed in July after a particularly scary episode during which I was afraid I would actually do something really dangerous. I’ve had an interesting time with the medication, which I’ve discussed a bit on here, and I’ve actually stopped taking it temporarily because it was interfering with my orgasms (!!), but it was a really important step in my self-care regiment and in my acknowledgement that sometimes, it is really, really important to seek outside help.

– learned that my parents are getting divorced. Still processing this one, and I imagine I will be for quite some time.

– started coming to terms with my identity as femme. This has been thrilling! I don’t think I need to elaborate on this here at all, because I’ve expounded on it quite a bit on this blog already — just check out the archives.

– have been at the same job all year, and have become increasingly dissatisfied with it. I almost decided to leave it recently, and then realized that even acknowledging to myself that it is in fact my choice to be there (and that there are major advantages to being there, such as: the income, the fact that it’s a job I can leave behind when I leave the office) was enough to help me feel un-stuck for now.

– applied to several graduate programs in both public policy and cultural anthropology. I’ve yet to hear back from any of them, and don’t expect to hear anything until March at the earliest, but this is exciting for me and has also helped me feel more direction and purpose in my life.

– started working as a volunteer crisis counselor at a local rape crisis center, which has been deeply gratifying (while certainly not cheerful), has helped me feel more rooted here, and has been the catalyst for several new friendships. I haven’t written here too much about the processing I’ve been doing surrounding my own sexual assault(s), but I do plan to do so in the (near?) future, as it’s been a pretty profound influence on my life and my thinking and my sense of direction. It’s hard to write about, but it’s so so so important to me that I can’t imagine not doing so at some point.

– erased most of this blog and more or less started over! Writing here in the latter half of this year has been a source of comfort, comradery, introspection and motivation for me. Thanks y’all so much for reading!

And in 2010, I hope to:

– continue to fall in love and deepen my relationship with mi’lady. I’m looking forward to more great sex, more power play, even better communication as we learn each other through and through and more and more, mini-retreats (that hopefully won’t be too expensive), accompanying her to her sister’s wedding where she’ll be outing herself to all of her extended family and family friends, and maybe even moving in together (!) (but we’ll wait to see what my grad school plans are before we really talk about that seriously).

– start graduate school (speaking of).

– leave my job (which should be concurrent with grad school, but in case I don’t get into any of the programs I’m hoping to enroll in, I STILL would like to leave my job).

– continue to take care of myself and be strong enough to seek help in taking care of myself, from medication and therapy, but also from intellectual, spiritual, and physical mentors, as well as friends and family.

– come out to my grandparents. There. I said it. I made it a goal.

– continue to write here and use it as a platform for airing my relationship-, life-, and self-processing, and continue to strengthen my internet bonds.

Happy new year! In German, they say “guten Rutsch ins neue Jahr,” which means “good slip into the new year” and I love that, it makes the actual moment, the ball-drop at midnight, seem less critical and stretches it out, makes it seem softer and more gradual and a little whimsical, whoopsydaisical, and allows for some glitches and mess-ups. So, I hope you all have a good slip into 2010!

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Responses

  1. hi, i just had to comment, since you said “whoopsydaisical”

    also, of course, happy new year, i hope it all continues well!

  2. Wishing you lots of love, blessings and happiness for 2010 – and looking forward to taking the (blogging) journey with you xx

  3. Here’s to acheiving your goals in 2010! Happy New Year.

  4. What a great post! I didn’t realize how much we have in common. Antidepressants and therapy have greatly improved the quality of my life–I’m a big fan of both! I also had the same sexual problems from prozac. Sooo frustrating. Zoloft was not as bad but still affected my sexual response. If you’re planning on going back on an antidepressant, you might want to consider wellbutrin, which doesn’t have any sexual side effects. I’ve been taking it for several years and really like it.

    Good luck with grad school, and best wishes to you and mi’lady in the coming year!

    xo
    SF

  5. Beautiful, as usual!

    I finally caught up on your blog since the homework and the holidays are finally over and it’s all genius, especially the post preceding this one ;).

    Good luck to you in this year they call 2010!

  6. Awesome recap and here’s wishing you all the best for these new adventures in 2010!

  7. Love the recap and goals for 2010! Good luck with everything – sounds like it’s going to be a great great year :)

  8. Good luck with the grandparents! What a goal. I finally came out to my (extremely Mormon) grandparents last year, and I was absolutely terrified.
    But guess what Nana said? She went, “Oh! Oh, honey, tell me something: am I the last to know?” and when I said yes, she snorted and said, “Krissie, when you get to be my age, you’ve SEEN SOME THINGS. I used to hang around with the queers (!!!!) all the time when I was your age.”
    It might turn out alright. You can never tell with people. Even psychotically religious people. Good luck in 2010!

  9. Love the post. Way to set some real intentions for 2010! I’ve enjoyed finding and reading your blog, and I can’t wait to follow along with what comes next.

  10. What a great post! It left me feeling like there’s hope for the world, so thank you for that. A very uplifting start for the new year.

    (I’ve been lurking on and off for about a month now, and finally decided I ought to start commenting. So, hi! ;))

    J

  11. I loved this post, and I definitely like some of your goals for the new year; I’m thinking I might have to create some similar.

    Anyway, a bit late but none-the-less, Happy New Year and hope everything turns out for well for you as well as your lady. :)

    I’ll also note that I seem to have a lot more in common with you than I thought, considering you are on the other side of the world to me.

    – Cal.


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