Posted by: alphafemme | November 10, 2009

tidying up the clutter

I have about eight thousand drafts of posts waiting for my attention. There’s been so much going on, so much I want to write about. Sometimes having too much to write about gives me greater writer’s block than having too little.

I started writing about my thoughts on the Maine election, and the repeat of last fall. I started writing a post in response to G’s post on femme invisibility. I started writing about the changes that are going on in my life, the big things I’ve been doing and thinking about. I started writing about illicit sex, the sex I have when I’m not supposed to be having it, and why that’s so hot. And now I’ve started writing so much that I’m overwhelmed and can’t finish any of it! Ahhhh!

So, instead, I’m just going to spew verbosity all over this post, and maybe that will help clear out the “clutter” in my head. If I were a self-conscious writer, I would spew the clutter, and then trash it, but I’m not, so I’m going to post it anyway. Hehehehe.

1) One of my best friends from college was here last week, arriving Wednesday and leaving yesterday. We had so much fun, and I felt more San Franciscan than I have in a long time. Having visitors who’ve never been here before always does that to me. We went to the Academy of Sciences on Thursday for their weekly NightLife — so amazing, seeing the aquarium and the planetarium and the live roof at night, with music and drinks, without little kids running around. (Love little kids, but I can also certainly appreciate their absence!) We went to the Japanese Tea Garden and then walked all the way out to Ocean Beach — her first time seeing the Pacific. We went to the Lexington (duh), but then realized we shoul’ve gone to the Rickshaw because it was Rebel Girl. Oh well, we had fun anyway! We walked all through Chinatown and North Beahc and then took a cable car (MY first time on a cable car since my childhood!) back, and as it was passing by Union Square, with the ice-skating rink in the process of being set up and holiday lights starting to go up, I just felt so happy. The holiday season tends to do that to me anyway, but this time it just felt so magical. I don’t know. I felt like I was in a movie. I find myself looking forward to winter this year, to cups of cocoa and baking cookies and cuddling in the evenings when it’s dark so early, to going ice-skating and making mulled wine and escaping to the Russian River for Thanksgiving…

2) Friday evening, my friend and I went down to Palo Alto with mi’lady to meet up with another friend from college who lives in San Jose. It was the most fun I’ve had in a long time, I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard since I left college. I have friends here, and I have a lot of fun here, and I’m happy here in San Francisco, but it was such a reminder to me that I have friends who know me inside and out, friends who make me feel at home no matter where I am, and friends where being around them isn’t socializing, it’s being, and it’s being in the fullest sense imaginable. And of course having mi’lady there made it even fuller, because I had it all in the same place. I can’t wait for my college reunion in May. Cannot WAIT. I also can’t wait until I have those kinds of friends here. It’ll happen, and it’s actually already happening now, slowly but surely.

3) Things with mi’lady feel so good and are so right right now. We’ve had some conversations about things like my relative introversion compared to her relative extroversion, and how we can balance that and make sure each other’s needs are met. We’ve had conversations about my relative planning compared to her relative spontaneity, and how to balance that as well. And I’ve had some internal conversations about learning how to let little things go. For example: She is working on recording with one of her bandmates, and tells me she’ll be over at my place around 9pm. 9pm comes and goes, no sign of her. She calls at 9:30, still in Oakland, happily making her way over to my place. I get frustrated. She gets defensive. We’ve had conversation after conversation about this. And I think my wanting her to be punctual is a control thing. It’s about sticking with plans and being meticulous, everything needing to be just so. But we didn’t actually have plans for 9. She’d just said that’s when she would be there. So… I let it go. Because really, it’s not that important. And because we’ve talked about it, I know she’s not disrespecting me. She’s just not so great at managing time. So is it worth arguing about? Again? No. It’s not. I was fully occupied the whole time anyway. Maybe a different time, if it has a bigger effect on me, if it feels like a breach of plans or a lack of respect or standing me up, then I’ll bring it up again. But this time, it just wasn’t important. And when she got to my place and I saw her, it was so much better that I’d let it go.

I’m such a meticulous person, I do things very particularly and have very specific ideas about things. I’m very organized and a bit of a control freak, and while a lot of that is good in my personal life because it keeps me functioning (and because I enjoy it! I love organizing!), it can be not-so-good when it spills over into trying to control her life. I don’t do that much, but sometimes in little ways I lose track. I’m learning, though, and it feels liberating to allow myself to let things go.

The point is, things are good. We haven’t had as much alone time as I’d like, but when we are alone, we make good of it.


So, for the moment, I’m in a good place. So much more I could write about, but at least I’ve tidied up a bit, and gotten rid of a bit of head clutter. Now there’s more room for writing about what I actually want to write about. Problem is I’m taking the GRE on Saturday and have a lot of work this week besides, so it remains a question whether I’ll have much time to write. If you don’t hear from me again, you’ll know why — but hopefully you will!



  1. Good luck on your GRE!!!!!

    I am happy that you had such a great time!

    It is a bit crazy how certain moments make you reflect and realize how good things are in the midst of all the craziness in your life!

    I took my best friend out to dinner for her bday (it is on Saturday, but I wont be able to spend it with her so we did the whole dinner, drinks, and cake today just her and I) and it was so much fun…just us being silly, having girl talk, discussing issues that are in our lives, her husband, m girlfriend…etc…

    My gf is in Iraq right now…she is on her second tour, a Marine…and since she has been gone I haven’t really been myself….

    Today was the first good day in a long time…I have things to be happy about and look forward too…I lost that in the whole craziness of the deployment….

    …but for the first time in a while I felt like I was breathing again….

    …it was a good day…

    = )

    • oh man, that must be so hard to have your gf in iraq. I can’t even imagine. I’m so glad you had a good day though, yeah it’s SO important to have days where you can just laugh and be silly and talk about everything under the sun with someone you’re really close to (who isn’t your gf!).

      glad you’re breathing again. and my thoughts are totally with you… and your gf… hope it all works out.

  2. I want to visit SF sooo badly! That sounds awesome. Glad you had a great time with your peeps.

    And yea, with the whole slight control and organizational and meticulous thing – that is SO me. Holy hell girl I feel you.

    Glad you are in a good place and good luck with the GRE’s!

    • thanks! I’m kind of underprepared, but then, I’m an expert at last-minute cramming…

      so glad someone gets me on the control/organizational/meticulous thing… sometimes I feel like an alien! especially because mi’lady SO doesn’t get it, and sometimes she just looks at me like I’m from mars and can’t stop laughing!

  3. I would certainly love to hear your response to the femme invisibility post. When you have time, when you have time.

    Reading about your experience with your friend in SF makes me want to visit so badly. It’s been YEARS since I’ve been there, and I think it’s about time I got back there.

    It’s great that you know when to let things go with your girl. I have to admit – I don’t always know when to do that, and sometimes it tends to lead to arguments and disagreements that are unnecessary. But I’m working on it …

    The GRE is today. Kick ass.

    • oh, don’t worry! it’s coming :)

      the GRE went well, I’m happy with it, thanks so much for the well-wishes!!! :)

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