Posted by: alphafemme | July 30, 2009

occupying power

The first time I ever strapped on a cock, I had a panic attack and had to take it right off again.

The second time, I was able to keep it on, but had to ask my girlfriend to ride me, so that I was on the bottom.

The third time, I wore it with confidence and fucked her with authority.

The problem for me has always been the assumption of power. Strapping on made me feel way too big, somehow. I’ve always felt small, always taken up little space, and have always tended to step aside to make way for others. I tend to dismiss my own emotions and needs as insignificant, and put those of others on a pedestal. (These are definitely symptoms of co-dependency, I’ve grown to realize.) Complicating all of this is the fact of my own rape, and the resulting power I give cocks, this sort of scary, threatening power.

So when I first strapped on, I felt dangerous. And I had a panic attack. I felt awful, because mi’lady really wanted me to fuck her; it’s one of her favorite things, and I felt bad that I reacted to it so badly. And the second time she asked me, weeks later, she asked me more meekly… “baby? do you think maybe you wanna try the cock again?” and I said yes, sure, but I was anxious, and would she maybe ride me from the top? She did, but it wasn’t very good, it just wasn’t quite right. My anxiety was in the way.

So she didn’t bring it up again. I continued to feel awful about it because I knew it was something she really wanted, that she craved, something that filled her and fulfilled her. But I was scared. I was scared of what having that power would mean, and what I could do with it. What if I hurt her?

Finally I just decided to get over it. I made it about her and her pleasure, rather than about me and my anxiety. It was her birthday, and I decided to take her by surprise, cock ready, lube at hand. And I just did it, and it worked. I put my anxiety aside, and focussed on the fact that what I was about to do was going to turn her on and make her mine.

She was completely taken aback, so much so that it almost looked like she sank in her arousal. I don’t even know if that makes sense, but it was like her whole body became this vessel of sexual heat, and she just… sank in it. Her eyes were liquid and she was so, so wet, so open, right away, for me, for my cock. She gave me power. It was like a gift. “Here baby, have me. I’m yours.” And having that power gave me confidence and made me just know that this was right. I could do this. I was doing this. I could watch her and know what felt good to her and what didn’t, I could intuit when it was too much and when it wasn’t enough, and more than that, she would tell me. I trusted her to. I trusted myself not to take advantage of the power.

To me, there’s a lot to learn about how to occupy power. The first step for me was not being afraid of it. Owning it, I guess, as mine and as something I could do good with. It’s an amazing feeling, really, to have someone’s pleasure in my control. I love that feeling. It’s that feeling that makes me want to explore more D/s play, and bondage, because I think I can get better at it. I can get better at encouraging and drawing out her submission, and I think she can get better at releasing control and drawing dominance out of me.

I recently asked Sinclair at Sugarbutch Chronicles about any ideas for how to delve into BDSM play. SS was really awesome and posted my question today. Thank you!!! And thanks everyone for clicking over, welcome, and if you have thoughts or ideas (on anything I’ve written about, really, not just the topic at hand), please share! I hope you stick around.

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Responses

  1. I’ve always wanted to do that! I’ve struggled with sexual assault as well, but I’ve always wanted to strap it on. I know I have long hair and wear skirts basically every day. Defy the stereotypes!

    You should definitely caltrain it out here and do the reading! It’s going to be on Monday at 10 PM. Then you will see if I’m actually just full of shit about this playwriting thing. Comment back to tell me if you can!

    • well the only problem with monday at 10pm is that the last caltrain back to sf from palo alto leaves at 11. I suspect your play is longer than an hour.

      I think you made up that time to ensure that I couldn’t come because you actually ARE full of shit about this play writing thing. GOTCHA! I see through your sneaky attempts to fool me. I will not be had.

      …on the other hand, I may be able to take a zipcar. hmmm. are you truly in need of another female reader? if so, I’ll swing it.

  2. Well written alphafemme, great insight on the issue of power. You have a great writing voice and super props to you for giving the strap on another go. Hard to quell the inner demons, but with love and trust all the good things come!!

    • Thanks! :) I appreciate the comment and, of course, the flattery. What was great about “conquering” the strap-on, so to speak, was that now I LOVE it… and it really gives me courage to think about tackling other things (sexual and non-sexual) that frighten me half to death. It’s been quite a learning experience, I’ll tell ya.


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