Posted by: alphafemme | July 9, 2009

on the other side of despair

Feeling much, much better today. Yesterday was a day full of bloating, debilitating cramps, and IBS, which worsens 100% when I’m on my period. So, so not fun.

Also not fun is the emotional turmoil, which has also significantly abated since yesterday. The night before (so, for those who are trying to keep track, that would be Tuesday) was the night mi’lady was going to come over to my place and then decided last minute not to because she had shit to do at home. And I was in such an emotional state that evening that her last-minute decision not to come put me on the brink of breakdown. That was when I came home and wrote the post about self-care, with a list of things I can do to take care of myself when I’m feeling particularly like my self-worth relies on validation from others (especially my girlfriend). I wrote that post because I was feeling so utterly hopeless, lost, worthless. I calmed myself down a bit by writing, by reading a bit, by taking a bath, and by chatting with my roommate subletters. I still had a lingering sick feeling in my gut, though, this awful feeling that my relationship with mi’lady was going to fail. I couldn’t shake it. So…. I did the worst thing to do, and instead of sleeping it off, I called her to say good night.

“Hi! It’s me, just called to say good night!”
“Hi sweetie, omg I just watched this really weird movie… everything at the end was unresolved, I hate that…”
“Oh, that’s no good, maybe it should’ve had a Finale like at the end of Middlemarch!” [joke: we’ve just finished reading Middlemarch together, and though we both loved the book, it had a weird Finale ending, a la Harry Potter book 7, that just wrapped everything up too neatly.]
“Lol!” [she didn’t really say lol, but she laughed, and at this point I’m feeling pretty good, I’m like “ok good, I can carry on a normal conversation with her and not get weepy and needy”… but THEN I say…]
“So are you going to bed now?”
“No, I’m going to do some music first, and then I’ll probably go to bed.” [and THIS is where I mess up…]
“But it’s so late! You always stay up late when you’re by yourself and then when you’re with me, you’re too tired to do anything and insist on going to bed so early!”
“Baby I don’t like it when you say things like that, I get so little time alone I just like to take advantage of it.” [she’s annoyed now]
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know, that was a stupid thing to say.”

But by then I was already miserable, and we just said a pitiful good night and got off the phone. WHY INTERNET?!?!?!?! Why do I have to be that way? I mean, it is true that she does that — stays up until the wee hours of the morning when she’s by herself, and then peters out by 11 when we’re together and claims she’s too tired to have sex (though that’s not actually all that common, only felt more frequent last week)… But the same thing happens to ME, I stay up late when I’m by myself too, I just lose track of time, and I like to do things when I’m by myself that I don’t get to do when I’m around other people, including her, like write emails to my friends far away, talk to my parents and siblings on the phone, watch movies by myself that she doesn’t want to watch, read, take baths, play piano, all kinds of things. Alone time is precious, and I KNOW THAT. So why do I get so controlling of her? Why does it hurt me so much when I realize that she gets enjoyment out of other things besides me? It’s so stupid!

And it’s not like that all the time, it ebbs and flows — and I’m pretty sure now that it ebbs and flows with my menstrual cycle. Like all last week was getting worse and worse, and then the peak was on Monday and Tuesday, and then I got my period in the middle of the night on Tuesday, and yesterday was much better (MUCH better) and today is pretty much fine. Today I can see things clearly, and not feel like the world is crashing down around me.

I wish there were a simple solution. I’m seeing a psychiatrist on the 24th to figure out whether medication might potentially help me. But I don’t like the side effects of medication. Maybe birth control? I don’t know, we’ll see. But I just can’t keep on going like this. I worry that I’ll hurt myself when I’m buried so deep in despair that I can’t see my way out. Hopefully when it comes around again I’ll at least have better knowledge that it’s my hormones.



  1. […] been pretty stable since that last low-point earlier this month (see here, here, and here).  I’m seeing a psychiatrist on Friday morning to hopefully start planning for some kind of […]

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